October 24, 2013
Your uncle is, as you know, a little—how shall we say?—distracted right now, and as I am considered something of an expert when it comes to Christians of the Catholic variety, I’ve been asked to help out a little.
I’ve looked at the files on your man, and you need to be extremely careful here. The believers on what the humans call the “left” of their church are easy. We’ve managed to convince them that salvation is to be found in social programs, liberal politics, and making jokes about conservatives. We’ve done a wonderful job in making it all about politics for them—all about the good they think they can do—and the angrier they become at those they see as their earthly enemies, the further they move away from their god. It’s very successful, and such great fun too. The joke is that they hardly change anything anyway, but the better and more pompous they feel about themselves the less humble and more strident they are, and that makes our enemy even more upset and disappointed.
Anyway, more about that and them later. You see, your little man is of the other variety, the conservatives. They’re much more tricky. They’ve seen through our propaganda campaign—“everything in the past was wrong”, “we have to change with the times”, “intelligent people don’t believe that” and so on. We’ve tried using doubt, confusion, fear, and the truly delicious “apathy” but it doesn’t work on them. So, let me suggest another approach. It’s what I like to call nostalgia. Try to make them confuse Catholicism with history, and faith with living in the past. It’s quite funny actually, and at times some of their more conservative Masses look more like auditions for a BBC costume drama than gatherings of the flock about to be fed His body and His blood.
You have to be careful though. Some of them are the strongest and most fearless of the damnable tribe, and they are there precisely for the continuity and the tradition in the best sense, the real sense, in His sense. It makes me so mad! But not all of them—oh no, no, no. Some are there because they have cultivated a mock cynicism, looking down from some moralistic pedestal of their own creation so as to spit their contempt on the ordinary Catholics below, whom they tend to dislike even more than our good, fine friends the atheists.