JERUSALEM—Hundreds of women have come forward to accuse King Solomon of Israel of inappropriate behavior, a report revealed. The alleged misconduct reportedly led to strife within Solomon’s kingdom as well as the eventual division of Israel.
“Frankly, he was pretty obsessed with sex and inappropriate touching,” one woman claiming to be one of his wives said in a statement. “He was always using these really weird metaphors for my hair, teeth, and other parts of my body. It was a little creepy.”
King Solomon has not publicly disputed the reports, but simply issued a statement indicating he is deeply sorry for any pain he had caused his 700 wives and 300 concubines.
“I can’t remember each and every one of these women, since it was so many thousands of years ago but I am profoundly sorry for all the hurt I have caused in the lives of each of their lives,” he wrote in a statement. “It was never my intent to make anyone uncomfortable.”
The ancient king had further advice for anyone tempted to engage in sexual sin: “Here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man”