HEAVEN—Moments after learning of the nation’s ongoing “Tide Pod Challenge,” a viral phenomenon in which people attempt to eat laundry detergent pods in order to get views on YouTube, the Lord of the Universe officially removed His blessing from America, sources report. Effective immediately, God
DRAPER, VA—Local man Brian Reed was startled Monday to learn from an internet search that the black letters in his Bible are every bit as authoritative as the red letters. “I could have sworn the words of Jesus were, like, extra inspired,” he explained to sources. “Except for
HOLLYWOOD, CA— Paramount Pictures has signed with action franchise powerhouse Michael Bay to reimagine a new live action feature of VeggieTales, now stylized VEGGIETALES, sources reported Wednesday. “The studio is looking at this as its next huge franchise, like Ninja Turtles,” said one industry insider.
SHEBOYGAN, WI—Local father of three Adam Paulson is reportedly looking forward to spending another nice, relaxing Christmas holiday assembling all the gifts that everybody else in his family received, sources confirmed Thursday. Just this week, Paulson reportedly told his coworkers how much he needs a
After close to a decade of research, historians from the University of America announced Wednesday that the fabled third-century saint, known to many as St. Nicholas, was actually a “sort of devolution” on the present day character of Santa Clause. “What we believe is that
U.S.—Stunned meteorologists reported Wednesday that the sea level has risen an astonishing 300 feet overnight, as the sweat from celebrities trying to cover up their sexual harassment scandals rained down “in buckets.” Vast swathes of the United States are now entirely underwater, including major coastal
U.S.—Unable to fake contentment and thankfulness for one more second, citizens across the nation awoke Friday and immediately set out on a frenzied mission to violently pillage and strip bare all nearby retail locations, determined to acquire any discounted goods they desired, by any means
U.S.—It’s easy to focus on everything going wrong with our country, so much so that we often don’t stop to take a minute and be thankful for the good things our leaders accomplish from time to time. Take the most recent legislation passed by Congress,
GRAND RAPIDS, MI—In one of its most hotly anticipated product releases in years, Zondervan announced Wednesday the availability of its new Highlighted Word Bible, a collected on the Scriptures in the NIV translation that comes with selected verses in every book and chapter already highlighted.
KINGDOM OF GOD—Personal representatives of the Savior of the World reported Thursday He’ll no longer be standing at the door of men’s hearts and knocking, and instead will simply be using the new Amazon Key service to let Himself in at His leisure. Heavenly representatives