SEATTLE, WA—In a move to help Christians develop the fruits of the Spirit, specifically patience, Amazon announced Wednesday a new “Agonizingly Slow Shipping” option. The orders will sit idle in Amazon’s system for six to eight weeks before being shipped via USPS’s slowest possible options.
U.S.—The Animal Conservation Society confirmed Monday that the annual migration of the marshmallow Peeps candies began after Easter, with hundreds of millions of the unsold, uneaten, and unloved marshmallow candies returning home for a long furlough until next spring. The bland, stale marshmallow critters returned
MINAS TIRITH, GONDOR—Kicking off a major trade war between the two kingdoms, the Middle-Earth Trade Federation has announced heavy tariffs on the import of Narnian steel, sending the stock market into a freefall Thursday. Any steel imported from Narnia to Gondor, Rohan, Erebor, or Mirkwood
U.S.—Marvel just dropped the final theatrical trailer for its upcoming Avengers film, and Christians across the nation were ecstatic to see that Larry-Boy, storied superhero of the VeggieTales franchise, will be joining the super-team for the first time. In the new trailer, as the Avengers
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move to secure a better, more prosperous future for the nation’s children, the President and Congress joined together to launch a GoFundMe campaign Monday in order to pay off the crippling $20 trillion the United States currently owes foreign entities, entitlement programs,
Local Catholic Ronny Edison announced today at a local Papa John’s Pizza that he was officially not eating meat on Fridays during Lent, in accord with teachings of the Church. The 24-year-old cradle Catholic explained to strangers waiting in line the reason why he had not ordered pepperoni or sausage
DESTIN, FL—According to sources close to Pastor Richard Wilkins of New Life Church, the 58-year-old preacher spent most of the week working hard on shoehorning a barrage of illustrations drawing on the sport of curling into his Sunday morning sermon. Wilkins is “betting big” on
LAKEBROOK, MS—Every church struggles with tardy folks—people who waltz in like they own the place a half-hour after the service starts. But one church in Lakebrook may finally have solved the issue once and for all: Lakebrook Community Church is now automatically volunteering all latecomers
Society of St. Pius X chess grandmaster Larcel Mafebvre has turned four of his pieces into bishops without approval from the World Chess Federation, officials have confirmed. “Mr. Mafebvre has, without approval from the Federation, created bishops out of pawn pieces,” said World Chess Federation head Antonio Salamanca. “After
IRVINE, CA—Local forward-thinking, open-minded programmer Billy Cypress announced to his employer, a prominent video game developer, that he would only be working in non-binary code moving forward. According to the self-described “advocate,” after compiling his code, he opens a binary editor and replaces all the
