SPRINGFIELD, MA—Famed purveyor of dictionaries and authority on the English language, Merriam-Webster, announced on their popular website Wednesday an update to the definition of the word “Fascism,” which now reads “a political philosophy, movement, or regime (as that of the Fasciti), or anyone or anything else, really,
Society of St. Pius X chess grandmaster Larcel Mafebvre has turned four of his pieces into bishops without approval from the World Chess Federation, officials have confirmed. “Mr. Mafebvre has, without approval from the Federation, created bishops out of pawn pieces,” said World Chess Federation head Antonio Salamanca. “After
BILLINGS, MT—A local snowflake is speaking out after learning that snowflakes are being used to describe overprotected college students who are easily distressed by ideas that do not align with their worldview, sources confirmed. “When I first heard the term ‘Generation Snowflake’ I thought it
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Ben Affleck has stepped down from his role as Batman, which he has played in the DC Extended Universe since 2016’s Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice. Affleck’s announcement came after critics slammed him online for playing the role despite not actually being a winged, flying,
NEW YORK, NY—Columbia University archeologists have uncovered evidence that Noah may have had regrets about allowing geese onto the ark. On an expedition to Turkey to examine underwater remains of what researchers believe is the ark that Noah built to survive the biblical flood, journals
HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA—Local man Erik Brettson abandoned his entire worldview Friday after his liberal friend, Chad Michaels III, reminded him that we are currently living in the current year that it currently is. Though he had researched his positions thoroughly, incorporating his personal beliefs, his
WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Donald Trump’s campaign to put a wall on the southern border of the U.S. has long been opposed by a number of different groups, but it’s now gained an extremely vocal new opponent: noted anti-wall extremist the Kool-Aid Man. The large red entity
BANGKOK—The Miss Universe pageant is once again embroiled in controversy, this time because all contest losers have identified as winners, demanding that the pageant’s organizers recognize their subjective identities as objective truth. Dozens of contestants came out as winners, but the allegedly open and inclusive pageant
HOLLYWOOD, CA—A new committee in Hollywood has come together to inform the public which comedians are OK to laugh at. The group of nearly forty industry veterans who otherwise can’t find work meets weekly to discuss which comedians should be approved for laughter. After eight
FONTANA, CA—After his wife and kids reminded him nearly every day for the past week that it was time to put up the Christmas lights, local father Kyle Jackson reluctantly agreed, and committed to have them up in time for St. Patrick’s Day, sources at
