Friday Funny

NEW YORK, NY—A violent, angry mob of progressive activists began to go on a rampage throughout New York City Tuesday, tearing down hundreds of street signs with oppressive messages like “One Way.” Representatives for the protesters claim they are advocating for a more tolerant,... Read more

Nervously rubbing his hands on the eve of his wedding, an anxious Prince Henry “Harry” of Wales told EOTT that he was still scared about how his fiancé would take the news when she found out that her soon-to-be-husband lied to her and was actually sixth in line to having his own church, as... Read more

SEATTLE, WA—In a move to help Christians develop the fruits of the Spirit, specifically patience, Amazon announced Wednesday a new “Agonizingly Slow Shipping” option.  The orders will sit idle in Amazon’s system for six to eight weeks before being shipped via USPS’s slowest possible... Read more

U.S.—The Animal Conservation Society confirmed Monday that the annual migration of the marshmallow Peeps candies began after Easter, with hundreds of millions of the unsold, uneaten, and unloved marshmallow candies returning home for a long furlough until next spring. The bland, stale... Read more

MINAS TIRITH, GONDOR—Kicking off a major trade war between the two kingdoms, the Middle-Earth Trade Federation has announced heavy tariffs on the import of Narnian steel, sending the stock market into a freefall Thursday.  Any steel imported from Narnia to Gondor, Rohan, Erebor, or Mirkwood... Read more

U.S.—Marvel just dropped the final theatrical trailer for its upcoming Avengers film, and Christians across the nation were ecstatic to see that Larry-Boy, storied superhero of the VeggieTales franchise, will be joining the super-team for the first time.  In the new trailer, as the Avengers... Read more

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move to secure a better, more prosperous future for the nation’s children, the President and Congress joined together to launch a GoFundMe campaign Monday in order to pay off the crippling $20 trillion the United States currently owes foreign entities, entitlement... Read more

Local Catholic Ronny Edison announced today at a local Papa John’s Pizza that he was officially not eating meat on Fridays during Lent, in accord with teachings of the Church. The 24-year-old cradle Catholic explained to strangers waiting in line the reason why he had not ordered... Read more

DESTIN, FL—According to sources close to Pastor Richard Wilkins of New Life Church, the 58-year-old preacher spent most of the week working hard on shoehorning a barrage of illustrations drawing on the sport of curling into his Sunday morning sermon.  Wilkins is “betting big” on the... Read more

LAKEBROOK, MS—Every church struggles with tardy folks—people who waltz in like they own the place a half-hour after the service starts. But one church in Lakebrook may finally have solved the issue once and for all: Lakebrook Community Church is now automatically volunteering all latecomers... Read more