Friday Funny

LITTLE ROCK, AR—When it comes to greeting church members each Sunday morning, no one is more committed to the craft than Bert Dempsey, who has held the prime double-door spot for greeting at Solid Rock Church for the past 18 years. Every Lord’s Day, Dempsey awakes before dawn and begins a... Read more

BERKELEY, CA—UC Berkeley’s recently installed “opposing worldview” alarm system began blaring right on schedule Thursday afternoon, as conservative author and speaker Ben Shapiro arrived on campus to deliver a speech titled “Say No to Campus Thuggery.”  As the noted author and news... Read more

MIAMI, FL—Stating his neurological processes were “deeply moved” by the pitiful sight of a homeless man begging for money, local atheist Bert Arterburn suddenly performed a random act of socially programmed altruism for the survival of his species, sources confirmed Thursday.  Aterburn... Read more

MENLO PARK, CA—Facebook has rolled out an update to its popular social network, allowing users to flag any items they disagree with as “Literally Hitler,” Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg confirmed Wednesday. Upon encountering a post they find even slightly offensive, users are now able to... Read more

BUFFALO GROVE, IL—Uttering a mystical incantation that summoned the power of Moses from on high, worship leader Tommy “Hilfiger” Jackson utilized the supernatural force to achieve a perfect side-part, low-fade hairstyle, sources confirmed Tuesday.  “O Great Moses, descend upon me now... Read more

HEAVEN—Remorseful for using terms that fly in the face of contemporary progressive sensibilities, God Almighty issued an apology Tuesday for the gendered language found throughout His Word, the Holy Bible.  “The fact that gendered language has been non-offensive for millennia is no excuse,... Read more

COEUR D’ALENE, ID—Local Pastor Jacob Scott is known by his congregation as a man of deep compassion with a humble commitment to serve the Lord’s flock. But Scott’s facade came tumbling down Tuesday night, as his true, ugly self was unveiled for all to see during a get together at the... Read more

Dear friends, family, and Austrian nobility, Captain Von Trapp and I are very sorry to inform you that we no longer plan to wed. We offer our deepest apologies to those of you who have already made plans to travel to Salzburg this summer. Those of you on the Captain’s side of the guest... Read more

WEST RICHLAND, WA—Stating the film is still the most accurate depiction of the experience, staff members at Valleyview Church are reportedly utilizing footage from dystopian sci-fi series The Hunger Games as training for its vacation Bible school volunteers.  The dozens of volunteers were... Read more

IRVINE, CA—According to sources close to local man Alan Carter, the believer in Christ exhibits absolutely no evidence of being saved, from the time he wakes up each morning until the moment he has his morning cup of coffee at his local coffee shop. Observers claim the committed Christian... Read more