Speaking to fellow saints in Heaven today, Franciscan saint Joseph of Cupertino announced that he was “simply fed up” with bailing out lazy students who “hardly even cracked open their books to study.” “Let me begin by saying that I am in no way telling people
HEAVEN—The CDC now recommends for everyone to stay home and avoid going out as much as possible. Despite this, reports are that God is breaking quarantine and going absolutely everywhere. Hospitals, nursing homes, prisons — wherever He is needed, God is going. He is reportedly
Reminding authorities that he is, in fact, a “temple of the Holy Spirit,” local man Carl Menard declared himself to be completely exempt from paying taxes as a religious organization, sources confirmed Wednesday. Menard filed his taxes at a local H&R Block but declined to
There was a certain man who had two sons, and the younger son demanded his inheritance and then wasted it all in a distant country. When the son came crawling back, begging for forgiveness, the father made a huge celebration to mark the return of
A dark horse presidential candidate has come out of nowhere: Larry the Cucumber. He shot to fame almost immediately after his promise of giving everyone a water buffalo. “When I am president, everyone will have a water buffalo,” he said at a campaign speech. “Yours
Faith-based pharmaceutical company Healio announced that the FDA has approved a new drug that would help people with potty mouths watch their language. The new drug Darnitol has gone through rigorous testing and has shown impressive results in taming naughty tongues. Subjects who underwent testing experienced
A major cave-in occurred after all Democratic candidates scrambled to the far left side of the debate stage Thursday evening. As the debate kicked off, Bernie Sanders immediately ran to the left. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden vaulted over him, demanding to be the
U.S.—Bible scholars now believe that Lot’s wife was turned into a pillar of salt after she stopped to take a series of selfies while fleeing Sodom and Gomorrah. “For a long time the text puzzled us,” said evangelical scholar Brett Markin. “Why did she look
BIRMINGHAM, AL—Saul of Tarsus was struck blind on the road to Damascus after hearing the voice of Jesus. Similarly, Billy Wilkerson, age four, was also miraculously struck blind, though the cause was being told exactly where to find his shoes. “They’re right in the middle
Local woman Kristi Larson is a careful student of God’s Word. She especially likes Jesus’s emphasis on forgiveness, such as when the Messiah instructed Peter to forgive people 70×7 times. Since reading that passage, Larson has kept a tally of how many times her husband,
